By Scoop Bellune

As Pet Editor of the Chronicle, I’d like to remind our readers that Chronicle editors are not the only ones who make mistakes. Here are some actual headlines from newspapers around the country Hope they make you laugh, too.

• Homicide victims rarely talk to police

• Rangers get whiff of Colon

• Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

• Miracle cure kills fifth patient

• Bridges help people cross rivers

• City unsure why sewer smells

• 17 Remain dead in morgue shooting spree

• Starvation can lead to health hazards

• Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney

• Parents keep kids home to protest school closure

• Hospitals resort to hiting doctors

Physician Shortange Prompting Move, Administrators Say

• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

• Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on North-woods Public Radio

• Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died

• Meeting on open meetings is closed

• New sick policy requires 2-day notice

• Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

• Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

• Marijuana issue sent to a joint committee

• Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head

***

A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: “Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising.”

Drinking Buddies

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

“One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.”

Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

A. Swimming trunks!

Q: To what type of market should you NEVER take your dog?

A: A flea market!

Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?

A: The baaaahamas

Q: Where do orcas hear music?

A: Orca-stras!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting around doing nothing.

If I had a dollar for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…I could almost afford a small popcorn.

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