Really, Really Really Bad Jokes, So Smile

What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickel-back!

Why are there fences around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!

What’s brown and sticky? A stick

What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!

What did one elevator say to another elevator? I think I’m coming down with something!

What is the number one cause of divorce? Marriage!

What do you call an alligator that wears a vest? An investigator.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You check for fresh prince!

What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasa-b!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? It smells like carrots out here!

How many lives does a Nazi cat have? Nien!

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “MOOOOO!” The other cow says pretty much the same thing.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

How do crazy people get through a forest? They take the psychopath!

What did Barack say to Michelle when he got down on one knee? I don’t wanna be Obama-self!

Knock knock. Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub I’m dwowning!

Why do vampires believe everything you tell them? Because they’re suckers!

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college? Bye Son!

What do hillbillies drink out of? Hiccups!

What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabador!

What do you call a guy with no shins? Toe-knee!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because gorillas have big fingers.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!

What’s the award for being the best dentist? A little plaque!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose? Nobody knows!

What do you call someone who gets mad when they don’t have any bread? Lack toast intolerant!

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted!

What did the overly excited gardner do when spring finally arrived? He wet his plants!

Why can’t zoo animals take tests? There are too many cheetahs!

Voldemort: Knock Knock. Harry Potter: Who’s There? Voldemort: You Know. Harry Potter: You Know Who? Voldemort: Exactly!

What does a Mexican put under his carpet? Underlay! Underlay!

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

What do you do when there’s a sink standing outside your door? You let that sink in.

What is a wok? A wok is sumting you twow at wabbits.

I joined a gym recently. I don’t have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time’s gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I’ll get into shape, or I’ll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.