Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Mother: “How was school today, Patrick?” Patrick: “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!” Mother: “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?” Patrick: “What school?”

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” “Oh is she an alcoholic?” “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”  Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

My wife and I decided that we don’t want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

In a boomerang shop: “I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?”

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

Why is women’s soccer so rare? It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!“ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that 10th person who apparently enjoyed it. “What is the problem?” “Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!”

What goes up and down but never moves? The stairs!

Doctor says to his patient: “You have cancer and Alzheimers.” Patient: “At least I don’t have cancer.”

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

Little Johnny asks his father: “Where does the wind come from?” “I don’t know.” “Why do dogs bark?” “I don’t know.” “Why is the earth round?” “I don’t know.” “Does it disturb you that I ask so much?” “No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything.”

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.”  There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says “OK, now what?”

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?” “Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. “Och, I look like a pig!” The man nods, “And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!”