Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.

Officer: “Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake.” Lady: “Why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?” Officer: “Well, that’s not prohibited.”

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. “I froze to death. How about you?” “I had a heart attack.” “How did that happen?” “Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack.” “That’s ironic.” “Why?” “If you would’ve looked in the fridge, we’d both be alive.”

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement.” Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!” The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!” Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stood in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of this church is going to die!” The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration. “Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?” “I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, “Sir, are you okay?” The preacher said, “Yes, I had the Lord riding with me.” The farmer said, “Well, you better let him ride with me, because you’re gonna kill him.”

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, “All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!” The bartender was crushed to death.

Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas!

I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it’s delivered by a car it’s a shipment?

Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.

I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.