Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?” His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.” The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.” His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?” I said, “What are the options?” She said, “Yes and No.”

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes fully groan.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.

My favorite color is purple. I like it more than blue and red combined.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein? No whey José.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

My girlfriend has her own taser. She’s a real stunner…

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said, “Ooh, yes.” I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

My friend is a structural engineer. He’s always complaining about stress at work.

I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbor is dead against it. I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious… She’s asked me to move out with her. I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn… But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today. But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn’t like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly. She said, “I told you not to call me Mom in front of people.”

My Dad said to me, “Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted.” I shouted, “You’re kidding! Really?” He said, “Yes. Get your things together, they’re coming to pick you up in an hour.”